Supporting Grieving Colleagues
Ok. You have a colleague who is grieving, or maybe multiple colleagues because… [gestures at world]. Want some straightforward tips on how to help them?
Alright, let’s dive in.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Don’t say it. A simple acknowledgment is fine: “This is awful, and I wish you didn’t have to experience this.” Grief doesn’t go away. It just gets different.
If you don’t know the person very well, but you’d like to support them in some way, ask their work bestie: “I know so-and-so is suffering, can I do anything?”
This could be any number of different things: arrange food delivery or cleaning services, organize donations to a charity in honour of a lost loved one, let them know you’ll deal with your team’s most difficult client/stakeholder, etc. Work bestie will know what to suggest.
Assess your processes to support employees. Seemingly small things can be challenging for someone dancing on the knife edge of grief. It felt like the last thing my heart could take to fill out a form for days off and type “Dad Died” under REASON. His death wasn’t a click button or a 15-character limit – it was a whole book; it was an earthquake.
Share stories. Reading memories that people wrote on my dad’s memorial page was a soothing balm. My friend Emily sent me a note about a time he had helped her, which I’d completely forgotten about. I held onto it like a precious gem.
Don’t know the person who died? Or don’t have experience with the type of grief your colleague is experiencing? You can offer: “I didn’t know your person, but if you want to share anything about them, I’d like to hear it. I’d like to know their name.”
Lead with compassion. One time I had to leave work abruptly because it seemed the end was imminent, and I called my boss. I couldn’t get words out and started to cry, and his response was simply, “Go. We’ve got you.”
Don’t take it personal if your colleague is not interested in engaging with you. I had a deep well of anger simmering right below the surface and had zero desire to talk to anyone who wasn’t there in the moment of my dad’s death. It’s not about you. Grief is messy.
If you’re a direct supervisor, ask what your staff member needs. Maybe they need extra time away, or perhaps they want to dive into work as a distraction. Maybe they simply need to know it’s ok to fall apart and that they’re not expected to deliver their best work.
I could go on for forever, and this is obviously not an exhaustive list. I also want to acknowledge that while these experiences can be intertwined, there’s a nuance between when people are grieving vs. in active crisis and/or experiencing trauma.
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