Panic Attacks & Healing

I couldn’t breathe.

I was inhaling air, but it felt thin and deprived of oxygen, like I was climbing Everest instead of sitting in traffic.

I knew it was “just” a panic attack. I’d been having them over and over that spring, and they continued through the summer. Or at least – I was almost sure it was a panic attack. Could it be a heart attack, or stroke, or brain tumour?

We were avoiding unnecessary visits to the ER, because it was 2020 and we were trying not to add to the crisis of an overburdened healthcare system.

So I looked out the windshield and counted colours. Five instances of blue. Five red. Five green. I had it in the back of my mind that counting things you could see was good for panic attacks. The 5-4-3-2-1 technique involves more than colours, but that’s all I could remember at the time.

I had the most supportive colleagues at work (literally, the best – many of them are still dear friends). But I also didn’t feel like I could take time off – I was in a new role leading a new team, and our organization served unhoused folks and many more people throughout the province whose housing was threatened because of pandemic-related job loss.

Contact me to chat about how to integrate balance and rest, while still being an effective and impactful leader.

Everyone in social services in 2020 knows what that was like. We felt lucky to have jobs, and the work was unrelenting.

I didn’t want to fail. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I didn’t want to be the weak link in my leadership team, especially not when every day I saw so many people that had it much worse than me.

And I kept telling myself that the air wasn’t thin, and that I could be strong enough to be calm and listen to my dad’s hallucinations as dementia took over, and that I was going to be a great team leader and do everything I ever wanted a manager to do for me.

Let me tell you: the aftermath wasn’t great.

Burnout isn’t a buzzword for me. Rest and balance aren’t pretty notions for consideration next weekend, or on that upcoming vacation, or in retirement.

And my personal experience is why I’m so passionate about helping people create change and be impactful in their work in a sustainable way.

Sign up for Leadership Learnings and get resources like my Burnout Assessment tool delivered straight to your inbox.