QUESTION

“I have no problem setting boundaries at work, but I struggle with the aftermath of someone who just doesn't listen or respond. How can I manage this type of relationship in a way that doesn't become contentious and at the same time preserves my integrity?”

ANSWER

This is a juicy question. I’d be curious to hear what setting boundaries looks like for you, and what you want the desired outcome to be.

Boundaries are unique to your individual circumstances; there’s no blanket approach. However, having clear boundaries is key to preventing burnout, so it’s important work.

Check in with yourself and ask: what are the consequences, for that person, of your boundaries being ignored?

It’s probably clear what the consequences are for you – perhaps you’re feeling overwhelmed, disrespected, frustrated.

But if you haven’t identified, communicated, and followed through with consequences for the other person, well, you don’t have a boundary. You have a complaint.

Let’s walk through a scenario.

You told your colleagues or boss that you don’t respond to messages past 5pm. You need to pick up the kids, and it’s important to you to spend focused time with your family.

However, you find yourself answering emails and texts anyway, in between getting groceries and arriving home, or while waiting in a parking lot to pick up your spouse.

You’re getting angry. “I told them I wasn’t available after 5pm and look at this! They’re not listening to me!”

That’s a boundary without a consequence. If someone messages you after 5pm and they don’t receive a response, and their work gets held up as a result – this is a consequence.

It’s not always easy or comfortable to have people be disappointed in you. And it’s particularly hard if there are power dynamics at play, and someone has influence over your career or livelihood.

But remember: the people who get upset about you establishing boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.

I want to note that in various circumstances, and for people with marginalized and intersecting identities, the “consequences” component of this equation isn’t always safe – emotionally, mentally, or physically. So only do what feels safe and right for you.

Good luck out there, and take care.

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